Can’t Catch a Brake
by Thomas Greco, Publisher
I love my town. Honestly, I really do. I’d say having lived in Nutley for 63 years, and also having my business located here for 36 years, kind of proves that. Needless to say, I think Nutley is unique in many ways.
For instance, we are one of the few municipalities in the state that has a commission form of government as opposed to a mayor and a city council. Nutley’s population warrants a five-member board, and each commissioner serves as a department head for one of the following departments: Department of Public Affairs; Department of Public Safety; Department of Public Works; Department of Parks and Public Property; or Department of Revenue and Finance, with each having complete control over the executive, administrative, judicial and legislative powers over their independent departments. The commissioners function as the legislative authority of the municipality. They are elected at-large in nonpartisan elections to serve concurrent four-year terms. The mayor is selected from among the commissioners (often the one who received the most votes), makes most of the key appointments and has a vague, often undefined, supervisory authority. The salary for commissioners is a whopping $2,250 per year, with the mayor receiving $2,700!
Another unique feature of our town is that there is absolutely no overnight parking allowed from 2am-5am. It is a somewhat controversial law, but it serves the community well. Of course, some people endlessly complain about this, but frankly, they are idiots for moving here without researching the laws of the town.
Anyway, this unique law leads me to this month’s adventure. A few weeks ago, I was putting the dogs out and getting ready to go up to bed around 3am, when I noticed my wonderful daughter had forgotten to pull her car off the street and into our driveway. Now, being the loving father I am, instead of waking her up and dragging her butt out of bed, I hobbled out to save my baby girl (she’s 30) a $75 ticket.
For most people, this is a painless, five-minute process. But if you have been reading this column over the years, you know very well that I am far from being like most people. So, as I opened the door to the Jeep, of course I had to move the seat back. Even on good days, my back pain sucks, so this was already a painful chore. I climbed in, pushed the ignition and put the car in reverse.
It didn’t move.
I accelerated a little harder. The engine roared but still no movement. I switched into drive. Same thing. WHAT. THE. F$%K. IS. GOING. ON? Here I am at three in the morning – barefoot, revving the engine, half asleep – trying to do something nice, and this is what I get. Let’s just say good thing the windows were closed because I was “MFing” everything in sight.
I turned the car off and took a breath. There had to be something I was doing wrong. Then the light bulb went off in my head. Could it be possible that Jeeps still had emergency brakes? I mean, I haven’t used an emergency brake in decades. I don’t recall any of my trucks ever having one (but then again I don’t recall much these days). I have a Jeep myself, and I never noticed one. So I started looking where all emergency brakes were…down by your left leg, a little higher up from the regular brakes. I tried to feel all around with my foot and nothing. Of course, I couldn’t find the interior light in the car, so I used my phone flashlight to search for the brake, and miraculously, I found the brake, but the brake release (which I’m pretty sure should have been a lever right above the brake) was nowhere to be found.
Fifteen minutes into this fiasco, I gave up. I called my daughter.
No answer. Apparently, she turns her phone off when she goes to sleep.
I finally realized I could just do a Google search to ask where the damn brake release was. And of course that took another 10 minutes because:
1. I didn’t have my glasses.
2. I have fat fingers
3. It was three in the morning; I was angry, frustrated and tired, and she should have pulled the damn car in herself!
Thank the lord – I mean Google – I found it. It was located by the gear shift. A little black switch with a “P” on it. (Duh.)
Whose brilliant idea was it to put the brake release over there??? It must have been one of these geniuses they are educating at Harvard or Yale who think political science is more practical than common sense.
Anyway, I pressed the switch, put it in reverse and – boom! – I almost crashed into a fire hydrant.
Heart racing, blood pressure boiling, I pulled the car into the driveway and finally got into bed around 4am.
What do they say about no good deed?
Want more? Check out the August 2024 issue of New Jersey Automotive!